ASK USOPP
by THE EVIL TAKONO
Summary: As promised in chapter one, no OC's are gonna pop in on this side of the column. Unless HIGHLY necessary.
1. Intro

**Takono**: And now, ladies and gentlemen!! May I present, the one! The only--

**Usopp**: (whisper) Hey Takono, do you mind not being in this fanfic?

**Takono**: O_O (GASP) (dramatic pause) But-but-but-but--

**Usopp**: Well you DO usually screw some up... I'd really rather do this myself... I mean can't there be ONE asking column without OC's popping in on the authors side?

**Takono**: i guess... fine. (walking off)

**Usopp**: (jumps through curtains) TA-DA!!! (fanfare)

(crickets chirp)

Takono? What happened to all the letters?

**Takono**: Oh, you're talking to me? I thought I wasn't welcome here.

**Usopp**: Can you at least tell me where all the questions went?

**Takono**: They never came. This chapter's only an introduction.

**Sanji**: Oi, Usopp! Make sure to give all the girls my best--

**Usopp and Takono**: NOT NOW!!!

**Takono**: (walking off)

**Usopp**: H-Hey! Where are you going?!

**Takono**: To do homework. I've got an essay, some social studies homework too...

**Usopp**: You mean you're just gonna leave me here??!?!

**Takono**: Teachers orders.

**Usopp**: (sigh) Fine. (spins to the audience) Well, I guess it's just me then! Ask anything you want! I don't care who it is, I'll take care of it! My... ahem... FANS... can range from little schoolgirls to assassins straight... out... of... (awkward silence) (turns pale) YOU KNOW WHAT?!?! KIDS AND TEENS ONLY!!! NO WAY I'M GONNA DIE!


	2. THE QUESTIONS!

**Usopp**: (giggling) (letters in hands) Which do I open first?

**Nami**: (passing by his room) Usopp? Where'd all those letters come from?

**Chopper**: He has so much fanmail!!! (sparkle sparkle)

**Usopp**: Fanmail? OH RIGHT! (stands up into a pose) Yes, these are all my fangirls! Now prepare to be amazed!! (opens the first one) "Oh Usoppu-sama~! I love you! Will you marry me?" Hmm, this letter's anonymous... I'm guessing she's too shy!

**Sanji**: Or maybe it's an old fart.

**Zoro**: (comes in, grabs letter) Let me see that. (reading) (looks back at Usopp) Did your nose get longer by any chance?

**Usopp**: Hey, it says what it says!

**Zoro**: Then RE-read it, dumbass.

**Usopp**: Oh fine. (skim skim skim...) uh... lemme look for the "Usoppu-sama" part...

**Nami, Chopper, Zoro and Sanji**: READ IT OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!

* * *

**things24:**

**Hm, I'll ask Usopp a question, or two or three...**

**1) Usopp, you always hid or runaway when someone(such as Nami or Zoro) threaten you like for pulling a prank or something... so are you really afraid of them or is it just for fun?**

**2) How often do you invent something new?**

**3) Don't you find it ironic that your nose is long like when Pinochio lies? Or does he not exist in the OP world?**

**4) At parties you sing, so do you make the songs up on the spot or do you have a collection somewhere?  
**

**That's all! For now...**

**Usopp**: _That's_ not one or two or three!

**Zoro**: Well I guess the "Great Captain Usopp" really _doesn't_ have any fangirls.

**Usopp**: Well it's not like _you_ have fangirls either.

**Zoro**: ...No comment.

**Usopp**: Well... things-san... because I don't know what else to call you...

1. (GASP) I DO NOT!!

**Nami and Zoro**: Usodaro.

**Usopp**: OI! I just let you guys have the spotlight in a fight!

**Nami**: She said when someone threatens you.

**Usopp**: ...I let you win. (BONK) OW!

2. As often as inspiration gets to me. Usually it's just something like Luffy complaining "I wish we had some sort of box we could WATCH people's adventures in!" I'm still building it! I call it... "Usopp's Adventure Box!"

**Chopper**: SUGEHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! (sparkle)

3. **Zoro**: Toldja.

**Usopp**: Oi oi oi oi...

4. It varies, really. I have some songs Brook taught me, some I wrote...etc.

Ja Ne!! (Nami and Zoro walk out)

* * *

**Usopp**: On to the next letter!

**S**a**nji**: (sarcasm) Maybe it's another fangirl.

**Chopper**: REALLY!?!?!?! (sparkle)

**Usopp**: (reading) "Usoppu-sama~!"

**Sanji**: QUIT FAKING WHAT YOUR LETTER SAYS!!!

**Usopp**: I'M TELLING THE TRUTH!! (hands it to him)

**Sanji**: (reading) "Usoppu-sama, you sexy beast, I love you until the days end! It's a shame a D-cup like me is still single." (jealousy aura) USOPP...

**Usopp**: (hiding behind Chopper) You didn't finish!

**Sanji**: (glare) "By night, I will come for thee and plant a big wet kiss!"!?!?! (tearing up) "Love..." O_O

**Takono**: (pops in) APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

**Usopp, Sanji and Chopper**: TAKONO!!!!

**Sanji**: YOU'RE A D-CUP!?!?!?! O_____O

**Takono**: T.T Does it LOOK like it?

**Sanji**: hm... (thinking)

**Takono**: ...

**Usopp**: I thought you promised you wouldn't be a part of this!

**Takono**: I'm only here for a second... GOSH... (walks out)

**Sanji**: ...I still wonder what size she wears.

**Usopp and Chopper**: (sweatdrop) Go away...

* * *

**Usopp**: Here's the REAL one...

**Ripedeath:**

**Awesome I've always wanted to ask questions in one of these! So here it goes:**

**1.) When's your birthday?**

**2.) Can you actually fight or when you run in hide because you can't fight?**

**3.) How old are you?**

**4.) Could you ask Nami how many dollars is one berrie?**

**Usopp**: Just to be safe, is your real name Takono?

**Sanji**: Or Usopp?

**Usopp**: You're never gonna lay off today, are you?

**Sanji**: Nah. (hears a girl scream outside) (runs out) I'M COMING, NAMI-SWAAAAAAN!

**Usopp and Chopper**: ...

1. April Fools Day.

**Chopper**: TODAY?!?! (sparkle)

**Usopp**: No, it's October 13! (and now it's December 13! wow, I really need to update XD)

**Chopper**: But Takono said...

2. I fight! I almost beat Luffy too! And I beat Perona! And remember that day with Mrs. Merrychristmas?

**Chopper**: NO ._.

3. 17.

4. I'd say around......... $5. But that's only a guesstimate.

* * *

**Zoro**: See, Usopp? Not everyone is your fangirl.

**Usopp**: Good point there. (Shudder)

**Zoro**: What?

**Usopp**: Fanboys...

**Zoro**: (fall)

**Amethyst Turtle:**

**HEY, USOPP! I have some questions. ANSWER THEM OR ELSE!!1!eleven!!  
1) Who are you scared of more: Nami or Perona?  
2) Does your nose ever get in the way of eating?  
3) If you could eat any Zoan type fruit, what would it be? And no wolf! Jyabura already has that one!  
4) If you had to (like for some tournament or something) who would you rather fight? Brook, Robin, or Franky?  
5) Are you scared of clowns?**

1. Perona? Pshaw. Bad comparison. Nami's scarier than... than...

**Nami**: this scythe?

**Usopp**: Yeah--NAMI!!!!!!!! O_O (jumps into Choppers arms)

**Nami**: Eh, I'm fine with being scared of. It just means I have some power on this ship.

**Zoro**: You're the devil in disguise.

**Nami**: Charmed to see you as well, Zoro~ (pat pat) (walks out)

**Usopp**: Where did she get that scythe? ._.

**Zoro**: i repeat--DEVIL IN DISGUISE.

2. No, but there was this one time where I was dared to lick a cold pole, and the tip of my nose got stuck instead XD

**Zoro**: ..............

3. Hm....... I'd have to say...

**Zoro**: a chicken.

**Usopp**: YOU WANNA FIGHT?!!?!

4. I'd have to say Franky. He's really the closest to my level. No limbs growing out of god-knows-where, and he has a normal human weight, so he can't go super-fast.

5. ...really? (sweatdrop)

* * *

**Sanji**: (runs in) (panting)

**Usopp**: something wrong?

**Sanji**: B-B-BUG... VERY... BIG... BUG... ._.

**Nami**: (running in) EEWWW!!! GET IT AWAY FROM THE SHIP!!!

**Usopp**: It can't be THAT bad... (walks out and theres a sea bug 6 times the ships size out front) ._. mommy.

(the bug spits out 3 more letters then swims away)

**Nami and Sanji**: (hugging) kowai ._.

**Sanji**: (looks at Nami and smiles) You're so cute when you're scared~

**Nami**: You're no fearless wonder yourself. (points down)

**Sanji**: greeeeeeat......... These are my GOOD pants. -_-

**Usopp**: (wipes goo off envelopes) That... was not expected. (open) Well at least the words are still legible.

**WH:**

**Hmm where to start...  
1. Have you ever considered dying your hair? If so what colour.  
2. What languages do you speak? And i'd like an exasle me each so that i know you ARE not lying.  
much do you owe Nami?  
4. Have you ever recieve treatment or seen a shrink about your condition. You know you're a pathological liar, right?**

1. No, I haven't. This hair makes me special :D especially since i'm the only one WITH this hair in One Piece.

2. Nihongo (Japanese), and English.

3. I don't owe her half a beli! I haven't borrowed anything yet, nor will I ever!

**Zoro**: GOOD.

4. Condition? HEY!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT!!!

**Usopp**: Yechh... slimy letters. (opens the next one in disgust) HEL-LO~!

**Zoro**: Fangirl?

**Usopp**: YEP!!!

**Sanji**: Liar.

**Usopp**: No, I'm serious. She really is a fangirl.

* * *

**fangirl4life:**

**Hey Usopp, I have a couple of questions for you.**

1) How is Kaya doing?

2) How come you are so sexy?

(UBER SMILE)

**Zoro, Sanji, Nami**: Oh shut up.

1. She's good, I haven't gotten a letter yet, but I'm sure she's doing well :) I just have this feeling.

**Chopper**: AHH!! USOPP!!! YOUR HEART'S BEATING FASTER THAN NORMAL!!

2. WELL......................

**Sanji**: (covers his mouth) Please. If you know what's good for us. -_-

**Chopper**: Hey, there's one last letter! (opens it) And it smells! Ew!

* * *

**Munchlax Jr.:**

**Captain Usopp-sama! I'm your #1 fan! I've got a few questions for you!  
1) Why'd you choose a mask that looks like a sun with lipstick for Sogeking? Don't get me wrong! The mask is badass! I just wanna know.  
2)In a recent cover story, you've gotten really fat, are you gonna do anything about it?  
3) Which girl do you wanna be with, Nami, Kaya, or (shudders) Perona?**

Ooh, a number one fan!!! I'm on a roll~!

1. ME?? Oh, um... He asked me to make a design that represents the king of the SKY~! Plus, he wanted some humanly touch to it~

**Nami**: Oh brother...

2. But in all the chapters, I'm very skinny. All I need is a monster to get my blood rushing and a reason to run--I MEAN... UM... I'M JUST THAT... UH... HEALTHY!!

3. Why is everyone expecting me with Perona? Why? And not Nami. But if I had to choose, my lovely Kaya-chan :)

Alright, I think we're done here!

**Zoro**: So how do we publish it?

**Usopp**: Takono does it.

**Zoro**: but you kicked her out.

**Sanji**: (grabs his straps) WHAT?

**Usopp**: I just wanted a column of my own!!! O.O

**Nami**: We need someone to publish it!

**Sanji**: AND I WANT ALONE TIME WITH MY TAKONO-CHAN x(

**Usopp, Zoro, Nami**: ...

**Takono**: Fine. I'll publish it. Butcha have to pay me~ ;)

**Usopp**: (sweatdrop) You've been wearing that redhead wig too long, you know that?

**Sanji**: Getting more and more like Nami-swan every day~

**Zoro**: That's not a good thing, cook. -_-

**Nami**: Hey!


End file.
